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Jamal Ahmelich is a registered clinical counsellor through the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. His philosophy of therapy is that the client/counsellor relationship is of utmost importance in promoting change and as such, always uses a client centered, strengths based approach.

Conflict Resolution

When one faces conflict with others in their life, it’s often a heavy feeling that accompanies it and is seen as a negative. Yet, conflict is part of life and can even be helpful to making progress with relationships. If we have relationships, we will have conflicts. They are simply about differences that individuals have within the context of those relationships. When you resolve a conflict through compromise and collaboration, you can achieve a win-win solution to your dispute and in turn, your relationship with that other person can become stronger. Here is a breakdown of a framework to work through a conflict.

State the problem. Using “I” statements to explain how you see the problem and allowing the other person to do the same. This is the time to clearly define the conflict. It’s hard to fix something before both of you agree on what’s broken.

Understand all points of view. To defuse tension and defensiveness, set aside your opinions for a moment. Take the time to understand the other person’s point of view. Sum up their perspective in words the other person can accept. When people feel they have been heard, they are often more willing to listen. Then share your perspective.

  • Brainstorming solutions. Dream up as many options as you can. Be creative and think outside the box.
  • Evaluate the solutions. Get rid of the ideas that won’t work for either party. Talk about which solutions will work and how difficult each will be to implement.
  • Choose the solution. Choose the one that works best for both of you. Be honest.
  • Implement the solution. Decide who is going to do what by when. Try to stick to your commitment and what is agreed upon.
  • Reevaluate and review how well the solution is working and whether it needs changes.

Some Strategies to Resolve Conflicts

Step back from the conflict

Instead of trading personal attacks, step back and approach the conflict in a neutral way. Reframe the conflict as a problem to be solved, not a contest to be won. You could say, “We have a situation that isn’t working well. Please tell me what you think the problem is and how to solve it. Then I’ll share my point of view. Let’s talk until we find a solution that works for us both.”

Commit to the relationship

Our most difficult conflicts are often with people we care about most. Begin by reminding the other person: “I care about you, and I want this relationship to last. So, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to resolve this problem.” Ask the other person for a commitment.

Lay your cards on the table

Say what you observe, think, feel, and intend to do. It’s tempting to hold back, but this is one way of keeping the conflict alive. Use “I” statements (I feel _____ when ________) and don’t worry about saying things perfectly.

Back up to common ground

Conflict heightens the differences between people. Sometimes, it’s helpful to back up and list the points on which you agree. “Ok, I know we have difference ideas on how much to spend on a new car but we do agree the old one needs to be replaced and it needs to be automatic.”

Slow down the communication

During conflict, the discussion can get heated. People get fired up and talk quickly. Nobody is really listening. When this happens, choose to either listen or talk – not at the same time. Usually this slows the pace and allows people to become calmer.

Be a complete listener

Before responding to what the other person says, check to see if you have received their message correctly. “I heard you say _______. Is that right? Is there anything else you want to say about that?” Replace judgement with curiosity.

Get to the point

Sometimes people in conflict build up to their main points cautiously. Get to your point right away, rather than having the other person getting worried and getting lost in the details.

Ask for forgiveness

Sometimes conflict arises because of our errors, not because of something we have done intentionally. When we own our mistakes and admit we are not perfect, others may move quickly.

Allow the emotion

Conflict is messy. It’s ok to cry, to be upset, to feel angry. Allowing other people to see the strength of your feelings can help to clear up the conflict.

Agree to disagree

Sometimes you get all points of view out there and work hard on problem solving but still the conflict remains. You can still coexist peacefully with the other person and respect them even thought you don’t agree on issues. Conflict can be accepted even when it’s not resolved.

See the conflict within you

When you are angry or upset, take a minute to look inside. Maybe you are over-reacting. Maybe unintentionally you did something to create the conflict. Or maybe the other person is simply saying something you know is true and don’t want to admit it.

Get help from a counsellor

If you find that you are often in conflict with others, sometimes it can be beneficial to discuss this with a counsellor or psychologist. It may help you to clarify the issues involved, gain some understanding of your emotions, and develop skills and confidence in handling conflicts.

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