Posts

Gabor Maté, a renowned physician and author, advocates for a compassionate and understanding approach to parenting that emphasizes connection and empathy. His recommendations prioritize building strong emotional bonds with children, fostering an environment of unconditional love and acceptance. He emphasizes the importance of acknowledging and validating children’s feelings and experiences as a fundamental aspect of nurturing their emotional well-being. This involves actively listening to children, empathizing with their perspectives, and offering support and validation for their emotions, whether positive or negative. By creating an environment where children feel heard and understood, parents can lay the groundwork for healthy emotional expression and self-regulation.

Maté encourages parents to prioritize open and honest communication within the family dynamic. This means fostering a culture of trust and transparency, where children feel comfortable expressing their thoughts, concerns, and questions without fear of judgment or reprisal. By cultivating such an atmosphere, parents can strengthen the parent-child bond and promote healthy social and emotional development.

In terms of discipline, Maté advocates for setting boundaries with empathy rather than resorting to punitive measures. This involves guiding children through challenges and conflicts with patience, understanding, and a focus on teaching rather than punishing. By approaching discipline from a place of empathy and understanding, parents can help children learn from their mistakes, develop self-discipline, and cultivate a sense of responsibility for their actions.

Maté underscores the importance of nurturing a relationship based on mutual respect and trust between parents and children. This entails treating children with dignity and autonomy, valuing their perspectives and contributions, and fostering a sense of partnership and collaboration in the parent-child relationship.

This approach to parenting believes that parents can create a nurturing and supportive family environment that fosters children’s emotional well-being, promotes healthy development, and strengthens the parent-child bond for years to come. Maté suggests:

  • Acknowledging and validating children’s feelings and experiences, rather than dismissing or minimizing them.
  • Communicating openly and honestly, creating a safe space for dialogue and emotional expression.
  • Setting boundaries with empathy, guiding children through challenges with patience and understanding.
  • Nurturing a relationship based on mutual respect and trust.
  • Providing emotional support that lays the foundation for healthy development and resilience in children.

What is it about some children in that they are able to show resilience in the face of adversity better than their peers?  Cartwright Hatton et al looked at what thoughts those children have that enable them to be able to manage in their day to day interactions.  Here is a list of what they found.

  • I can cope with most things that I experience

  • The world is a pretty safe place

  • I have some control over the things that happen to me.

  • Bad things usually don’t happen to me.

  • Bad things usually don’t pop out of the blue.

  • People are generally pretty kind and friendly.

  • Other people generally respect me.

Derek Thompson looked into why American Teens Are So Sad and identified Four forces that are propelling the rising rates of depression among young people. From 2009 to 2021, the share of US high-school students who say they feel “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness” rose from 26 percent to 44 percent, according to a new CDC study. This is the highest level of teenage sadness ever recorded.

So why is this happening?
There are several answers purposed to that question, along with one meta-explanation that ties them together. Here are four forces propelling that increase.

1. Social-media use
Five years ago, the psychologist Jean Twenge wrote an influential and controversial feature in The Atlantic titled “Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?” based on her book iGen. Around 2012, Twenge wrote, she had noticed that teen sadness and anxiety began to steadily rise in the U.S. and other rich developed countries. She looked for explanations and realized that 2012 was precisely when the share of Americans who owned a smartphone surpassed 50 percent and mobile social-media use spiked.
In the past few years, scientists have disputed the idea that social-media use itself makes teenagers miserable. “There’s been absolutely hundreds of [social-media and mental-health] studies, almost all showing pretty small effects,” Jeff Hancock, a behavioral psychologist at Stanford University who has conducted a meta-analysis of 226 such studies, told The New York Times recently.

2. Sociality is down

Both Steinberg and Twenge stress that the biggest problem with social media might be not social media itself, but rather the activities that it replaces.  “I tell parents all the time that if Instagram is merely displacing TV, I’m not concerned about it,” Steinberg told me. But today’s teens spend more than five hours daily on social media, and that habit seems to be displacing quite a lot of beneficial activity. The share of high-school students who got eight or more hours of sleep declined 30 percent from 2007 to 2019. Compared with their counterparts in the 2000s, today’s teens are less likely to go out with their friends, get their driver’s license, or play youth sports.
The pandemic and the closure of schools likely exacerbated teen loneliness and sadness. A 2020 survey from Harvard’s Graduate School of Education found that loneliness spiked in the first year of the pandemic for everyone, but it rose most significantly for young people. “It’s well established that what protects teens from stress is close social relationships,” Steinberg said. “When kids can’t go to school to see their friends and peers and mentors, that social isolation could lead to sadness and depression, particularly for those predisposed to feeling sad or depressed.”

3. The world is stressful—and there is more news about the world’s stressors

Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author, told me that no single factor can account for the rise of teenage sadness. But she believes a part of the answer is that the world has become more stressful. Or, at least, teenagers’ perception of the world seems to be causing them more stress.
“In the last decade teenagers have become increasingly stressed by concerns about gun violence, climate change, and the political environment,” she wrote in an email. “Increased stress among young people is linked to increasing levels of sadness. Girls, more than boys, are socialized to internalize distress, meaning that they tend to collapse in on themselves by becoming depressed or anxious.”

4. Modern parenting strategies

In the past 40 years, American parents—especially those with a college degree—have nearly doubled the amount of time they spend coaching, chauffeuring, tutoring, and otherwise helping their teenage children. The economist Valerie Ramey has labeled this the “rug rat race.” High-income parents in particular are spending much more time preparing their kids for a competitive college admissions process. When I interviewed Ramey about her work in 2019, she told me that she “couldn’t believe the amount of pressure our friends were putting on their kids to get ready for college.”
The “rug rat race” is an upper-class phenomenon that can’t explain a generalized increase in teenage sadness. But it could well explain part of what’s going on. And in the 2020 Atlantic feature “What Happened to American Childhood?,” Kate Julian described a related phenomenon that affects families a bit more broadly: Anxious parents, in seeking to insulate their children from risk and danger, are unintentionally transferring their anxiety to their kids.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness strategies are all about being ‘present’ by connecting with one or more of your five senses. They are sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. Try some of these.

Focus on 3 things you can hear, 3 things you can smell, and 3 things your body can physically feel

Touch is a great way to be present – you might stomp your feet, pat your cat or even have a massage

Get absorbed in the moment – playing sport, playing a video game or just having fun with friends is a great way to have a mental break from worries

Focus on really listening to an awesome song

Eat something yummy really slowly, savoring the taste

Splash cool water on your face – this can trigger the ‘mammalian dive reflex’ which is an automatic response that slows your heart rate and brain waves (designed to help us survive when swimming underwater)

Breathing exercises

Breathe naturally, evenly, and at a speed that feels comfortable.

Focus on sending your breath right down to your belly button – so your stomach rises and falls with each breath.

Just keep your breathing even and natural.

Do this for five slow, even breaths.

Take a moment to reflect on how this makes you feel.

Writing

Writing can be an effective means of working through stress. Writing can provide a means of expressing troubling thoughts, as well as gaining a better understanding of what is bothering you.  keeping stressful thoughts and feelings in often causes them to grow, it is important to give your thoughts and feelings a voice – especially when your feelings are raw. Writing your thoughts and feelings allows you to express freely without worry about what others will think or how they will react.

To get the most out of this exercise, try letting the words just come – don’t focus on coherency, spelling, or neatness, instead just try spilling the words onto the paper. Write until you feel done.

Physical Activity

Physical activity can help lessen stress reactions and promote a general feeling of well-being.  Even just a brisk walk for 15 – 20 minutes.  Physical activity causes endorphins to be released, which are the body’s feel-good hormones. Regular exercise can also improve your body’s ability to handle stress in general. It is important not to overdo, wear appropriate gear (comfortable walking shoes, bicycle helmet), and not use this as permission to engage in compulsive or disordered behavior!

Try walking around a new area while listening to your favorite music. It can physically take you away from the stress and perhaps give you a new perspective in the end.

Self-Talk

If we really listen to ourselves, sometimes we say negative things to ourselves: “she doesn’t like me”, “I’m going to screw this up”, “he’s funnier than I am”.  Before you know it, all you’re hearing are negative thoughts whispered in your own voice.  This is called negative self-talk, and it is going to have a negative impact on you in most aspects of your life.  It becomes really difficult to turn the negative soundtrack off.

Using positive self-talk, you can start to hear words of encouragement and support – whispered to you in your own voice. You will be surprised at how different that feels!  Using positive self-talk consistently over a period of time also serves to rewrite the script.

Art

Creative endeavors are a known means of self-expression. Some do not like writing, and sometimes words cannot seem to effectively express your feelings. When using artistic expression as a coping skill the key is not to focus on the end product, but the process of making the art.

Grab a piece of paper and some markers or crayons. Fill the page with color

Drawing
Finger painting

Make a collage.

Painting

 

Coping strategies

Public speaking is one of the most common forms of anxiety that people experience with some estimates upwards of 73% of the population feeling some level of discomfort when speaking.  If you fall into this category, try some of these tips to help make your next experience a positive one.  Managing anxiety is best used in combination with thorough preparation and practice for a presentation.  Try accepting your anxiety instead of battling with it, and you may find it becomes much less of a problem for you.

Some Basic Assumptions about Anxiety

  • Emotions, both negative and positive, are a natural part of living and cannot be avoided or controlled, nor do they need to be.
  • The fear of failure and the desire to succeed are two sides of the same coin.  We feel anxious because we want to perform well.  This is a normal and healthy part of being human.
  • Anxiety is uncomfortable and inconvenient, but not unbearable.  It is when we start judging ourselves about our normal anxiety that we begin to create real problems for ourselves.
  • A certain amount of anxiety is beneficial to one’s performance because it motivates us and helps us to focus our energy and attention.

Destructive Beliefs about Anxiety

Have you ever found yourself thinking like this?

  • I should be able to control my feelings. I should be able to rid myself of anxiety prior to my presentation.
  • If I’m this nervous, there must be something wrong with me
  • There’s no way I can give this presentation until I feel more confident
  • I’d rather die than have to talk in front of the whole class

What happens if you think like this? It can be a vicious cycle. By trying to resist the feeling of anxiety, you prolong your focus on it.  That leads you to reject your feelings and your emotional self.  Your attention gets stuck on the anxiety and on yourself, increasing your self-consciousness and making you feel even worse. You’re critical towards yourself and your productivity to achieve the task at hand- the presentation.  Your belief that you can’t handle these kinds of situations is reinforced.  The next time you’re in the same situation, you have heightened level of anticipatory anxiety because of your previous difficulty.

Positive Self Talk

If you find yourself thinking these kinds of things, consider these more helpful and healthy alternatives to the above statements.  Identify the ones that are most relevant to you and repeat them to yourself whenever you start getting anxious about your presentation.

  • I cannot and do not need to control my anxiety
  • Anxiety is a natural part of being human
  • Anxiety is a cue to take action
  • It is okay to feel nervous and anxious before and during my presentation.  It reflects my desire to do well and succeed.
  • There is no reason to fight the nervous and anxious part of myself.  I will not resist my nervousness and it will subside in its own time.  I will perserve without avoiding my presentation.

Deep Breathing

Taking deep breaths will help to calm your self down in the lead up to the presentation.  Try to slow down your breathing and focus on big, deep breaths right up until you are about to present. We can reduce anxiety by breathing differently. Take slow inhalations and even slower exhalations with brief pauses in between. We’ll be more likely to use this technique if practiced in times of low stress.

How to Study More Effectively

People often ask me what I see others doing that helps support them be able to be successful with coursework and school.  Here is a list of some of the keys that I’ve found successful students do.

Attend Classes

Don’t make the mistake of skipping class and trying to teach yourself.  Since the information that your teacher thinks is important will likely be what you go over in class and more likely to show up on an exam.  You’ll also be more likely to remember something from class because you are more involved. Try to get involved and ask and answer questions.

Know your Teacher

Take time to learn what’s needed to get through each subject you are taking.  Study the course outline and refer to it periodically to make sure you’re on track.  Find out your teacher’s marking scheme and requirements for the class.  You’ll be able to tailor your work to meet their requirements.

Schedule Regular Study Periods

If you don’t set aside a specific time to review, chances are you won’t review.  The most effective way to learn anything is to rehearse it regularly.  Be realistic as well.  It’s better to spend half an hour on each subject than to plan one hour for each one and not follow through.

Establish a Regular Study Area.

When you study in the same place every time, you become conditioned to study there.  Your mind will automatically kick into gear, even when you don’t feel like studying.

Shut Yourself Away from Noise and Other Distractions

TV, Phones, and nearby distractions hamper your concentration. If this is difficult, try to do some meditation or deep breathing to help you get your focus back.

Study Short and Often

Your brain takes in information faster and retains it better if you don’t try to overload it.  Four short study periods a week are more effective than two long ones.

Study When you are Wide Awake

Decide what your best time is and try to schedule your study time accordingly

Study your Most Difficult Subjects First

You’re most alert when you first sit down to study, so you’ll be in the best shape to tackle the tough stuff.  You’ll also feel better getting the worst out of the way, and you won’t be tempted to spend all of your time on easier or favourite subjects.

Be Selective

No one is able to retain everything they ever read or hear and it is not necessary to do so.

Get Organized

Usually categorizing the material will make it more meaningful. You may wish to use diagrams, charts, lists, cue cards, etc.  Pictures can be especially effective.

Find Meaning

Information that is meaningful is learned more quickly and remembered longer.  When you are trying to learn something you don’t understand or is unrelated to anything you know, it’s very difficult to retain.  If you can associate it with something you’re familiar with, you will have a much easier time memorizing it.

Take Good Notes and Review Them Regularly

The best way to learn anything is to review the information often

Reward Yourself

When you complete one of the goals you set for yourself, give yourself a reward.  It doesn’t have to be anything elaborate.  Try some timed phone time, TV or going for a walk.  The reward system gives you an incentive to reach your goals and a pat of the back for achieving them.

Start Assignments as Soon as they are Given

A little work on an assignment each week will allow you time to give attention to its quality.  Your workload will be spread out, so you’ll avoid an overload near the end of the classes.

 

I’m 16 and I don’t know what to do with my life. What can I do?

First of all, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s hard to know what the future holds when you are in your teens.

It’s through life experiences and exploring more about yourself that you’ll be able to find areas that you want to pursue. And know that there will be many different pathways you can take and that’s ok! If you view it as a journey, keeping learning more about yourself and keep an open mind, you’ll better equip yourself for finding things in your life you are passionate about and/or jobs or careers you want to pursue.

I would suggest working towards….

  1. Joining a school club
  2. Volunteering
  3. Working
  4. Traveling
  5. Exploring your own strengths
  6. Exploring Post secondary plans
  7. Taking up new hobbies
  8. Obtain life experiences
  9. Being curious about the world around you

Best of luck finding that path for yourself. Remember to have gratitude for what you have in life already.

How To Find Your Why, Passion, And Purpose In Life – Holistic Wellness RN

Problematic Smartphone use, Nature Connectedness and Anxiety

Richardson et al dig into how these 3 items relate to one another.  Society’s disconnection from nature has paralleled an increase in smartphone use.  Some findings from their research:

  • Human relationships with nature bring mental well being at a time of huge demand on health services
  • Nature connectedness benefits?  Life satisfaction, Meaningfulness, Vitality, Happiness, Higher self esteem, Mindfulness, Balanced emotional regulation
  • Selfie taking and phone use emerging as predictors of decreased connectedness with nature
  • Nature connectedness is a key part of a healthy life and planet

 

Problematic Smartphone use, Nature Connectedness and Anxiety, 2017, Richardson et al, University of Derby

nature therapy

Physiological Effects of Nature Therapy

As a result of stressful situations in daily life a, research is pointing us in a direction of getting back to our roots. Nature therapy, a health-promotion method that uses medically proven effects, such as relaxation by exposure to natural stimuli from forests, urban green spaces, plants, and natural wooden materials, is receiving increasing attention.

 

It is empirically known that exposure to stimuli from natural sources induces a state of hyperawareness and hyperactivity of the parasympathetic nervous system that renders a person in a state of relaxation. This state becomes progressively recognized as the normal state that a person should be in and feel comfortable.  Could this immersion in nature be helpful for you?